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How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,—I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

- Elizabeth Barret Browning

Solo jeepney ride, that is.

Yesterday, a little before noon, my son and I undertook a grand experiment...well not that grand to be honest. In the grand scheme of things it's probably mediocre. Still, useful lessons ought to be learned, so we, or at least I, thought it to be a worthwhile endeavor to teach my son how to ride a jeepney by himself.

Actually, he taught himself. I wasn't there with him. If I were, it wouldn't be a solo jeepney ride would it?

I drove him near his school, which was beside Sto. Domingo church in Quezon City, gave him a couple of bills, and gave him the four cardinal rules of jeepney riding: (1) Don't draw attention to himself; (2) Don't display any expensive stuff like his cellphone or PSP; (3) Keep his eyes peeled, and to trust his senses. If he thinks something is off or looks suspicious, find another jeepney; and lastly (4) Look cool.

Unfortunately, he botched the last one, since the first thing that happened when he got off the car was that his shoe came flying off, no doubt because of his laziness in tying shoelaces properly. After retrieving the errant shoe, he retreated back to the car to put it on...an auspicious start to the the first of many experiences in taking public transportation.

A year or so ago, his Mom told me he didn't want his son to take public transport. Frankly, I think its inevitable. He's already a teenager, and in a few years he'll be in college, he won't always have someone to fetch him, nor would he probably want to be fetched in certain circumstances, so he might as well learn now. I suppose mothers tend to be overprotective of their brood. In my case, I'd prefer my son get out into the world and learn the important...and even less important stuff by himself. That's the only way he'll get to learn responsibility...something he won't learn if his parents are always there to shelter him from the world or bail him out of everything.

Well, so I left him there by the side road, and drove back home. Others may have waited until he got himself on a jeepney, but not me. I just drove right out of there. Was I worried? Not really. It's a rite of passage. All of us do it eventually, he so might as well get a head start. Besides, how hard is it really? I've seen kids half his age take jeepney rides by themselves, with backpacks perhaps as heavy as they were.

I got home, and just did the usual. About 15 minutes later, he got home, and that was it.

His first.

Obviously, it won't be his last.

If in my deep slumber

I would awaken,

And find my world

And life’s dreams

To be forsaken,

Let me hold onto my credence

Of someday I’ll find you home.

Back to where my heart is longing,

Ease my heart that’s breaking,

Stop the tears falling,

And come back home.

If by chance we meet

And you see that I am confused,

Put a stop to my confusion

And carry me home.

Destiny’s already woven

We’ve got to keep believing

That ours are interwoven,

That’s all I could do to

Keep apart from you,

Hoping someday

Love would see us through.

Though troubles and despairs may

Be cast upon our ways, but

God would see us through.

Home, will be the place in my heart

Where you’ll stay for a lifetime,

I’ll wait for you in the meantime

When the time would be right

For us to decide

What’s next in line.

Just remember that –

I will always love you,

For my home is your heart…

and yours is in mine.

- Lynae

Way Back Into Love
Hugh Grant Featuring Haley Bennett

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Just a repost. You never know who might notice.

Anyone here interested in purchasing or leasing a plot of commercial land located along Commonwealth Ave. in Quezon City? It's my father's property, and it has a lot area of 2,844 sqm., with a number of residential improvements. The frontage is a bit on the small side, at 14 m., but it directly faces Commonwealth Ave.

The lot has been on the market for quite a while, but since the real estate market has been down for some time now...well you know how it is.

Just in case you're interested, or know someone who is, please feel free to leave a comment or to email me at ronallandottk@yahoo.com. To cut the hassle, would prefer to deal with direct buyers only. Sometimes it can be quite hard dealing with a multitude of brokers and middlemen...you know how that is too. :-)

You can also call 9315575 if you have any inquiries.

Siteplan of the property.


Aerial view. The road at the top of the photo is Commonwealth Avenue.


Here's a tighter aerial shot. The improvements are clearly visible from this distance.

And just in case you're wondering, no, I didn't hire an airplane or a helicopter. Used Google Earth instead. :-)

The summer air:
saps my strength
I sit in my chair.

Yes. That's it.

Bounded by the thoughts of what once was
I lingered, filled with emotions that’ll never come to pass
Trapped in a time I thought won't ever last
Silenced by the memories of the past.

Within these walls, I blindly walk
Not knowing when or where to go.
Shadows of doubt had loomed so free,
Trying to fill the void that once was me.

In this emptiness, I quietly lay,
Waiting and hoping for time to make haste
Fading the delusions of the mind,
Of dreams that I can never find.

- Lynae

Last night, out of the blue, I received a message on my Facebook account.

It was her.

My first girlfriend, whom I last heard from 19 years ago.

I look at her profile picture. She still looks exactly the same as I remember her. Apparently she's doing well...and not surprisingly, she has her own family now.

Frankly, I don't know how to react.

I must have made an impression on her, since she remembered me and actually looked me up after all these years.

Though it was 19 years ago, I still remember how I felt back then. I remember how we met when I first got a summer job working at a Dunkin' Donuts shop in SM North Edsa. I remember how I used to wait for her until she punched out of the donut shop where we both worked so I could take her home. I remember when she was reassigned to a branch in Quiapo where I used to visit her, even though I wasn't working anymore. I remember when she left Manila to go back home to Pangasinan. I remember how hard I tried to maintain a long-distance relationship. I remember writing to her so often...every few days I'd mail her a letter. I remember when I finally received a letter from her calling it off. I remember that I was so heartbroken that my physician sister gave me Trazepam to calm me down. I remember it took me months to get over her...even though we weren't a couple for very long.

I remember taking my relationship with her so seriously...and I was just 18 at the time.

I remember everything.

Well, that's all water on the bridge. My feelings for her have long gone now, and I have moved on. It's still a bit disconcerting though, getting in touch again with someone who was my first love. All I had of her were my memories, and now, she exists again as a real flesh and blood person, albeit through the ether of cyberspace.

I don't really feel anything. Should I feel something? If so, what?

I never really expected to get in touch with her again. But with technology advancing the way it is...it was inevitable I guess.

The facts haven't changed though. She will always be my first love, and my memories of her will always be special. Looking back, I was really disappointed when it ended way back then. But we were just kids at the time, so it was bound to happen. And like most of my relationships which followed (not that there were a lot mind you), I loved her more than she loved me. I needed her more than she needed me. Even after 19 years, some things never change. I still love the same way...since I don't know any other way to love.

19 years hence, I also learned something else:

While your first love will always be special...it is your last love which will truly matter in the end.

And I'm really hoping that this will be my last. I don't think my heart can take this strain again.

JULIET:

'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.

- From Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

I couldn't help but chuckle to myself when someone told me that some union members where planning to change the name of their union supposedly "because the union name has no credibility". Hello? How can a union name "not have any credibility"? It's just a name.

Sometimes I can't help but be surprised how shallow some people can be. It is the officers and members of a union which give it its credibility, and not the name. Even if the name was changed, but if you still had the same people on board, and these people are not credible to begin with, it doesn't matter how many times you change the name, or what name you change it to. The organization will still lack credibility.

As I'm often fond of saying: A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. And by the same token, a pile of shit would still stink no matter what you call it.

What's in a name anyway?

Are the terms we use to refer to someone, to something, really that important? It would seem so at first glance...but people and things remain who and what they are...no matter what you call them.

I have this friend...this close friend whom I actually care a lot for, who used to make a point of not calling the times we went out "dates". It bothered me a bit at first...but then I realized it really didn't matter what she called it. It would still be me, her, and whatever we chose to do when we went out. I would still enjoy her company and hopefully she would enjoy mine. Does it really matter if it's technically a "date" or not? Maybe, maybe not.

She always considered the term "date" as something to be contextualized in the romantic sense...a sense she would rather not consider at this point in time. She may be right...but at the end of the day it is what it is. If none...one...or both of us, let slip in the occasional romantic thought or inuendo, it doesn't really detract from...or enhance...or change the experience. It still is what it is, two people sharing a common activity. It will remain what it's expected to be, no matter what you call it. Whether it leads to something else or not, that's up to the people involved to decide for themselves.

I also find it a bit amusing that she finds it difficult to call me by my first name...my first name only, with no "honorifics". Not that I give a big deal about it...she can call me anything she wants to...and I would still be the person she's referring to. It just turns out we worked in a professional capacity some years ago, and she got used to addressing me with an honorific prefix before my name. Lately, we haven't really crossed paths on a professional level, though as of late, we've been..."intertwined" (her words) on a personal level. And yet, on occasion, she still uses the honorifics, and hesitates without them. To her credit, she's trying to drop the prefix, albeit with some difficulty. It's not a big deal...but it still is quite amusing to observe. :-)

Names in a way are labels...and labels aren't always a good thing. I say this, despite the fact that I have often been guilty of labeling things, people or situations in my head, a form of "social triage" if you will, that I often do to make things convenient and save me some frustration from the real world.

Naming or labeling things...really don't change their nature. The names and labels are for convenience, perhaps for filing these things in our memories, for classifying things for easy reference. Unfortunately, some of us have this penchant for taking names and labels literally...therein lies the rub. Labels often create an impression in our minds even before we have actually grasped or understood the situation, and that often leads to incorrect presumptions, stereotyping...or to worse things like bias, bigotry, or discrimination. And these things can be more trouble than they're worth.

So, to cap things off, what is in a name anyway? Nothing much really. Because it simply is what it is. And things are what they are.

Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose.

- Gertrude Stein

This is one of those posts which are about nothing in particular. I felt like posting an update, but for the life of me, nothing really blog-worthy seems to be popping into my head at this very moment.

I'm not saying that there's nothing going on. I guess there is, but at this point in time I guess I'd rather not blog about it since it's a hanging issue, and I don't think its a good idea to preempt something, whether it goes one way or another. Suffice it to say that I'm still hoping for the best, and at the same time, afraid of...yet preparing for the worst.

As for other things...not much to report.

I keep getting a lot of input from other people suggesting that I try doing something new in our office. At this point I'm not so sure about that. Maybe I'll wait until things settle down. With the national elections over more than a week ago, and a new administration starting on June 30, a lot of things could still happen in our office. It's not impossible for our office to have its own change of administration, so I guess long-term career plans, and for that matter, any long-term plans regarding our office would have to held in abeyance at least until after June.

I haven't seen my son in about two weeks, probably more if I really counted the days. I'm not really complaining or anything, I'm used to him being away on trips for long periods of time with his mom, and besides, it's good that he gets to go places. I was never really much of a travel person, and it's not very likely he would get the same experiences with me.

It is a bit boring though. If I wasn't doing what I'm currently doing, I would probably be bored silly. If my son were here, it's not as if we would do a lot stuff together. He's a teenager, with a mind and world of his own, and he's no longer the chubby kid I used to drag along with me to malls and parks, the kid I used to bribe with visits to McDonald's or Jollibee or Toy Kingdom just to get him on board. Nowadays, he'd just log on Facebook or play Cabal Online and chat with his friends and guildmates while an anime is playing in a window until someone told him that it was time to eat. Not that he's a couch potato. He goes biking, skateboarding and waveboarding whenever the sun isn't too hot.

Speaking of friends, my son already has 360 friends on his Facebook account, almost a hundred more than me. I used to play this game in my head that I shouldn't let my son have more friends than me on Facebook. :-) Unfortunately, my son has more charisma and makes friends quite easily, and it was inevitable that he would exceed my number of Facebook friends in a relatively short amount of time.

That's good. He's becoming a person in his own right, and not just his parents' son.

Hmmm...so what else is there to talk about?

I'm still figuring out what I want to do with my life. I think I already have an idea, but I don't want to jinx it. Let's just say that I don't want to go back to what I was before. The place I was before was just a void. A safe void, but a void nonetheless. It wasn't really a nice place to be, and I'd rather not go back there if I had anything to say about it.

For now, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and I aim to make the most of it. I want this state to last a long, long time, but unfortunately that's really not up to me. Even if things go south from here though...even if the feelings of happiness end right this very moment...everything that happened wasn't in vain. I've been happier the past several weeks (with some scattered bouts of depression here and there, since it comes with the territory) than I was the past several years, and those moments of happiness, fleeting as they may end up being, make everything worth it.

Postscript:

Jiraiya is dead. :-)

Your action may be required.
MEMO : TO ALL EMPLOYEES
Effective immediately

DRESS CODE

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes, a Giorgio Armani suit or carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

HOLIDAY DAYS

Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year of holidays. They are called Sunday.

COMPASSIONATE LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives, friends or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employee involvement attend the arrangements. In rare cases where the employee's involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

TOILET USE

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minutes limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of the three-minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company's notice board under the "chronic offenders" category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's
mental health policy.

LUNCH BREAK

1. Skinny employees get 30 minutes break for lunch, as they need to eat more
so that they will look healthy.

2,. Normal size employees get 15 minutes break for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby employees get 5 minutes break for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a "slim-fast."

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember, we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations and input should be directed elsewhere.

For your guidance and strict compliance.

Am I?

Too sensitive for my own good?

Maybe I am, and I just haven't realized it.

Maybe I kept to myself for so long now, that I've forgotten how to take other people's thoughts and actions in stride;

Maybe I've always distanced myself from everyone else, and now I'm not sure how to be close to anyone anymore;

Maybe I've been doing things my own way for the longest time now, and I'm no longer used to people telling me I'm doing the wrong thing, or telling me to do something else;

Maybe I've been so full of myself for years, that I filled up the space meant for other people with my own self-loathing;

Maybe I've been so cynical about other people that I find it difficult adjusting to the concept that there are some people who actually care about me without wanting anything from me;

Maybe I've been so preoccupied with giving that I don't know how to receive anymore;

Maybe I've finally turned into an antisocial paranoiac.

Maybe I'm already dead...but I just don't know it.

That's a lot of maybes...

Hard disk space that is.

I have a total of 2 GB of Network-attached storage, consisting of a Linksys NAS200 with two 500 GB Seagate Barracuda 7200.12 SATA drives, and a 1 TB Seagate FreeAgent Desk connected to the NAS200 via USB.

It isn't enough.

Linksys NAS200.


Seagate FreeAgent Desk.

I bought the NAS200 with its two drives about a year and a half ago. The FreeAgent is only about four months old. Between the two of them I only have about 200 GB of space free, and at the rate I'm downloading stuff, I'd probably fill my drives to capacity in a few weeks' time.

Two terabytes of movies, TV series, animes, documentaries, comic books, e-books, MP3s, and what not.

When I first started with computers in the 80s, (yes I'm old, I know) I thought the 143 KB capacity of a single-sided 5.25" floppy on my Apple II Plus was a godsend, especially when compared to the meager capacity and inconvenience of storing data on cassette tapes, which were popular at the time. Today in 2010, I have 7 million times the capacity of those 143 KB discs, and it still isn't enough.

Nowadays, it seems the best way to store your data is on a hard drive. I've been backing up and storing programs and data on various media over the past three decades, but eventually you end up with a pile of storage media in various formats and no drive to read them.

Stored in my closets, cabinets and shelves are hundreds of neatly filed 160 KB 5.25" discs from my long dead Apple II, 360 KB 5.25" floppies from my old PC, 1.2 MB HD 5.25" floppies for an AT high density drive, 720 KB and 1.44 MB 3.5" microfloppies, dozens of 100 MB Zip Disks, and a few 1 GB Jaz Disks, most of which are chock full of data, but for all intents and purposes, useless. In a few years CD-ROMs, CD-Rs and CD-RWs will be obsolete as well, and I also have hundreds of them. A few more years after that, the vast collection of DVDs I have will also be obsolete. The moral of the story is that any storage medium, no matter how high-tech it may seem when you first use them, is destined to be obsolete, so don't bother accumulating much of them.

At present, I rely mostly on network attached drives, USB drives, and flash drives, aside from the internal drives of my various PCs. No doubt after a while these will be obsolete as well. I haven't gotten around to getting any of those new-fangled solid-state drives (SSDs), I still can't afford them.

For now I guess, it's either I cut down on the downloads, or get more storage space.

Okay. I'll get more storage space. :-)

I stare into the distance
thinking of what once was...
I reach out to you with my thoughts
but you were nowhere.

I listen to my beating heart
the heart that still beats for you...
I strain to hear your heartbeat
but I hear only silence.

I remember the warmth of your touch
the soft caress that once gave me repose...
I try to hold on to you
but you have long since gone.

Then there is a hollow emptiness
a bleak void of nothingness in my soul...
I shed my tears for you in despair
and I go on my way.

I wonder if this is as good as it gets.

Sustaining one's enthusiasm for one thing or another isn't always easy, especially for things that are long term.

It's like being excited about paying premiums for your insurance policy the first few quarters. Then you realize you'll be doing the same thing for more than twenty years until the policy matures, and the enthusiasm is replaced by the grind of the routine of making payments for what is almost the rest of your natural life.

Or like one of those biology experiments from when you were in high school, you plant a seed, and wait days before any signs of life appear, if at all, and wait weeks before you get a healthy plant.

It's not that I'm complaining. Patience, as they say, is a virtue. And I'm a very patient person. It's just that an emotional high cannot be sustained for indefinite lengths of time, as it can be emotionally draining. It takes a lot of energy to maintain an emotional high, and I'd like to get that energy from somewhere...I don't know, maybe from sleep, from relaxation, from meditation, from prayers...from red wine, dark chocolate, potato chips or spearmint-flavored cigarettes.

I just don't want it to settle to being a mere routine. I want it to be exciting, to be something I'm enthused about, to be something I look forward to.

I know it can't be helped. Watching paint dry doesn't make it dry any faster, and as they say, a watched pot never boils (actually they do, as I've learned from my extensive experience in cooking instant noodles, but I don't recommend you try it, it's very boring). Things move at their natural pace, things resonate at their own natural frequencies, and there are some things that just can't be sped up, nor is it advisable that they be sped up.

So we dig our trenches, fill up our sandbags, and set up our machine guns, and settle down for the long haul...at least until the enemy comes charging with bayonets fixed shouting "Banzai!"

In the meantime, I suppose I should keep busy...but it leads to another situation, my poor ability to multitask. I can only focus on one major thing at a time. If I focus on something else, I may neglect something or other. Well, it's not really that bad I suppose. It's not as if I'm a horse with blinders on my eyes, nor am I just a one-trick pony. It's just a matter of setting one's priorities, and managing one's self.

I can do this. I know I can. I want to do this. I know I want to do this.

I shouldn't hope for, wait for, or even expect miracles. Yes, sometimes they happen...but most of the time they don't. If they happen all the time they wouldn't be miracles anymore. I just have to pace myself. You can't run a marathon by sprinting the first 100 meters. You won't have anything left for the rest of the race.

So I guess it's just a matter of pacing. I think I can handle that. I'm not an idiot, nor am I a spoiled brat. I don't have to have everything I want right now. I don't even have to have what I want ever, because we don't always get what we want. That's just how the world works.

There are a lot of things...like fine wines, cheeses (sorry for the metaphors, only food comes to mind at this time), that only show their true potential if they are given just the right amount of time to mature. To rush would only spoil it.

I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. I won't even hope anymore as shattered hopes can be truly depressing...and that's always a real possibility that my mind has often considered. I'll just keep at it, as I've always been doing, not because I'm expecting anything to happen in return, but because I enjoy doing what I'm doing. And indeed I do.

So if this is as good as it gets...so what? I like what I'm doing. And if I don't get anything out of it, again...so what? I'm not in this only for myself anyway. If someone else gets something out of this...as long as that something is good, then it's okay. It means that regardless of how things end up...my efforts weren't in vain.

The human lifespan is a paradox.

It's too long if you live a miserable life, yet too short if you live a happy one, much like six years is too long for a bad President, and too short for a good one.

And it doesn't seem to be fair...you spend almost twenty years or so in school, possibly more, filling your head with knowledge supposedly necessary to get you through life, get a job, build up relations, start a family, accumulate resources, and just when you feel like everything is about right, you'll find out that life has passed you by, and you're just waiting for the grim reaper to show up with scythe in hand, ready to harvest your soul.

To be honest I was never really afraid of dying, I always felt that it was something that was bound to happen sooner or later, so there really was no sense getting worked up over something that was inevitable in the first place. And besides, it always felt like I never had anything to lose...at least that's how I felt, over the past several years.

There are times though, rare as it may seem...that I feel that I found something worth living for, and all of a sudden, I don't want to die...at least not yet.

I wish I was immortal. That only happens in fiction though, no one really lives forever, and if you really think about it, why would you even consider it?

Ironically enough, I would surmise that immortality would suit me just fine. They say that if you live forever, eventually you would be alone because everyone you know or love would eventually grow old and pass away. But what if you're already alone from the very start? What if you forego all attachments, sever all connections, and live your life as a mere observer of mankind, never to be a part of it? Frankly, this has been one of my fantasies, this and living in a zombie-infested post-apocalyptic nightmare, but that's one for another post. :-)

This is all hypothetical though, we are all destined to die one day. It is part and parcel of the human condition that we strive to improve our lot in the limited period of time that we exist on this earth. To work through our failings and shortcomings, and to bask in our successes, until our bodies give out and we move on to the great beyond. Before that happens though, we leave behind our children, teach them to learn from our mistakes, and encourage them to move towards directions we can scarcely imagine...to move forward, wherever that takes them.

I'm lost. I forgot the point of this post.

Okay, I remember.

In a way it's a bit scary to find something to live for...in fact it's a dual-edged sword that can take your head off in more than one way. If you lose that something...you lose all reason for being, and you end up not caring one way or another about the world you live in. I should know...I've been there, done that. And even if you don't lose that something, sometimes you end up being paranoid, fearing that you may lose that something important to you, something that gives you a reason to live. One thing about existing as a blank is that, once you're no longer a blank slate, you fear going back to the way you were.

I suppose, if you live forever, you wouldn't give a crap anymore. You would have the entirety of eternity to regain whatever you lose, to lose whatever you regain. But then again, if that is indeed the case, life would be pointless, as there would no longer be any risks involved. You can just do any permutation of existence as you may care to try, never mind the losses, and just reap the benefits. Much like playing every known combination in the lottery. Yes, you'll end up winning, but at the cost of your humanity.

I guess I'm just used to being sad. Sadness may be an awful emotion, but it's a safe emotion. If you're sad, you can't get any sadder, and there's always the chance that you may become happy eventually. On the other hand, if you're happy, there's no where else to go but be sad, and I don't like thinking about that possibility.

Immortal or not.

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears...

- Opening line from the song "My Immortal", by Evanescence.

Postscript:

This and the preceding post's titles seem to have been inspired by songs. Song lyrics seem to have a way of being good material for thought experiments. Maybe I'll write more similar posts in the future. At least, with regard to songs I can relate to my own measly experiences.

Now that the national elections are over, another showdown is looming. The arena, interestingly enough, is my office.

My office has two unions. One has been in existence for more than two decades. The other is only nine years old. The older one is recognized by management. The younger one is not...at least as far as for purposes of collective negotiation are concerned.

Currently, a petition for certification election has already been filed with the Bureau of Labor Relations (BLR) though as of this date the petition is still pending and hasn't been decided upon. The way things are going, it can go either way, and I really have no idea how the BLR will decide the issue.

The established union is claiming that it holds the majority status and that it possesses the requisite accreditation issued by the Civil Service Commission (CSC) required by law before one can become the collective negotiating agent for a particular workplace. The young upstart on the other hand, is claiming that the accreditation the other party possesses is invalid/illegally obtained, that it also possesses the majority status, and that a certification election should be held so that the rank-and-file employees can choose which union they want to represent them.

The thing is, without going too much in to the technicalities and legalities of both parties' arguments, to my mind, both of them are right. And both of them are wrong. As to which is which, that's for the BLR to decide, and not for me to elaborate.

I'm not affiliated with either side. I'd like to say that I'm completely unbiased...and in fact maybe I am...or I'd like to think that I am. I don't really favor one side over the other at this point in time. I guess you can say...that I'm somewhere in the middle.

I have a lot of friends in the older organization. At one time or another I may have provided some assistance to them, though nothing official or anything in the way of serious or heavy stuff. Though I don't always agree with the way they do things, I really don't have a personal axe to grind against any of the officers or members. And that's fine with me.

In the newer organization, I played a more critical role, well, at least at the start. I was one of the founding members and was even an officer for a time. I was the one who drafted the Constitution and By-Laws and the one who thought of the name, though few, if any still remember. That was way back in 2001 though. By 2004, I had already resigned as an officer and even withdrew my membership. I had my reasons, but the main thing for me is that I believed that the organization no longer upheld the ideals for which it was established, I found it appalling there are just some people who would, deliberately or otherwise, undermine the hard work performed by some just like that.

Fast forward six years, and the two are at it again. Not only are they bickering through press releases or what not, it has reached the BLR, and even the regular courts as criminal cases have now been filed. If my information is correct, this is only the beginning as administrative cases are also set to be filed.

I find this a bit saddening. I have a lot of friends from both sides, and it is not impossible that some of them may even be subjected to preventive measures or even meted penalties because of their actions, whether they believe them to be principled or not.

I'd like to help if I could, but it is difficult to do so without compromising my neutrality, and at this point in my career, if you can call it that, I'd rather get by without offending or antagonizing anyone anymore. I've been there, done that, and to be honest, I never really got anything out of it, and worse, I may have been used as a tool by some people to get what they want.

I can't help it if I had always been a sucker for a good cause...even if some people just want to take advantage of it.

And now, I choose to stay somewhere in the middle. This is somewhat a new thing for me, since more often than not it's the circumstances which dictate that I stay in the middle. It's not often that I'd actually get to choose being in the middle, and whether it's by destiny or by design...I never really liked being in the middle, being in Limbo.

Unfortunately, that seems to be my lot in life. To be neither here nor there, when the irony is I, to my belief at least, have a strong set of principles and am highly opinionated when it comes to just about anything. Maybe constant failures or up and coming middle age has a way of softening hardened ideals, of taking away the edge. I don't know anymore, the same way I don't know a lot of things anymore.

Maybe I'm maturing. But is maturity synonymous with losing one's passion for people...for ideas...for things, and simply being content with one's fate? Maybe, but that's for another post to explore.

I just hope things resolve themselves soon. And if possible, without any casualties. Besides, I could really use the bonus. :-) That's just an attempt at humor though. I'm not really suggesting that my ideals are for sale. It's not as if they're worth anything in the first place.

tripping hard falling down onto the ground
cause I can't stand up
and I can't fall down
and I'm somewhere in the middle of this

well I find it hard
I always tried to find the sane life
but I don't like the way things are
and I keep falling to my knees
somewhere in the middle of this

- From the song "Somewhere In The Middle" by Dishwalla. One of my favorite songs...from a what seems to be a lifetime ago.

I've been looking forward to seeing this movie for quite a while now, last night I finally got my chance.

It was entertaining and action-packed, but to be honest I felt a bit underwhelmed by it.

Robert Downey Jr., as in the first movie, made a very convincing Tony Stark, no doubt aided by the fact that Downey in real life possesses quite a lot of the traits that the fictional Tony Stark does, particularly a history of alcohol abuse and a certain respect and notoriety among the press and in their respective industries.

The rest of the cast was pretty much standard fare, though Don Cheadle's portrayal of James "Rhodey" Rhodes/War Machine seemed quite lackluster and insubstantial, relying more on action scenes and computer-generated gee-wizardry to capture the interest of the audience. The close friendship between Stark and Rhodes as well as Rhodes' bad-ass personality as portrayed in the comics was barely evident, with Cheadle merely being a man in a armored suit, and hardly anything else.

The villain in the movie, Ivan Vanko (an antagonist only conceived for this movie), as played by Mickey Rourke is your stereotypical evil genius bad guy. Despite being an acclaimed actor, Rourke didn't do much with the role, despite all the external fluff such as the tattoos, gold teeth and the bird, not that he had much to work with as the character seemed to lack depth from the start. Sam Rockwell as Justin Hammer is your everyday corporate asshole, much like Ronny Cox's Dick Jones in the first RoboCop.

Scarlett Johansson as Natalie Rushman/Natasha Romanoff was much more impressive, especially in the fight scenes which were quite unconventional, emphasizing her skill, agility and dexterity instead of brute force. To be honest, I would prefer someone with stronger Eastern European features to play the Black Widow. Johansson may actually be a little too pretty for the role, looking like the stereotypical girl next door despite the attempts at corporate power dressing and the leather catsuit.

The Mark II and Mark III armors were all well rendered and convincingly depicted, though it's not that surprising since the first movie was already a very good benchmark as far as computer-generated imagery and props are concerned. As for the special effects and explosions, they were pretty awesome. Let's face it, you'll watch this movie for the effects, and not really for the story or anything else for that matter (except perhaps for Scarlett Johansson in a catsuit). That's all good and fine, as the effects by themselves are already worth the price of a ticket.

The film itself was a lark. It's a bit dumbed down, much like the first (actually it's way dumbed down), when compared to the intricate plots and characters of the comics, but that's to be expected in order to broaden the appeal of the movie to everyone, from young kids to old folks, even to those who haven't picked up a single Iron Man comic book before.

If you don't have high expectations and just expect to be entertained, you'll like this movie. I did. Just don't expect to think much of it after you leave the cinema. I didn't.

Actually the title of this post should be: "Who will I vote for?", but unfortunately, I'm not going to vote.

I was deactivated. I skipped voting during the 2004 elections, and when I tried to vote in 2007, for some reason I couldn't find my precinct. That's two consecutive elections that I failed to vote, and now I'm deactivated. While I'm in no way suggesting that the right to vote should be taken lightly, unfortunately that's what I did when I neglected to register again. I couldn't be bothered with the hassle I suppose, with all the things that have been going on at the time, and so now, on the historic eve of the Philippines' first automated elections, I'm not voting.

Sheesh...

So, who do I want to win?

I'll be honest, there really isn't a candidate that I believe to be worlds apart from the others. All of them have their strengths, their weaknesses, their respective histories, good or bad. Some of them though, are probably more desirable than others to lead this country. While I don't claim to know everything there is about all of the presidentiables, I do read the newspapers, watch the news on TV and listen to commentaries on radio, so I may have a pulse on who should win, and who shouldn't...maybe. Of course you're free to disagree, because these are just my personal opinions and impressions. Take them with a grain of salt.

Let's turn things around and let me tell you first who I don't want to win.

I don't want Eddie Villanueva to win. His platform is based on change based on truth, change and righteousness. Nothing wrong about that, the thing is, he's a religious leader. He's the founder of the Jesus Is Lord Church. For me, this kinda blurs the Constitutional doctrine of separation of church and state. A good leader should be able to make objective hard and fast decisions, unfettered and unburdened by relative standards of morality and righteousness which vary from one religion to another. I don't want my President to be imposing his moral standards on me, I want him to lead the country, and not worry about my soul. That's my business. Jesus is quoted in the bible as saying: "Then give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's." It simply means that the State, and God, are two different entities. Blur the difference, and, you may very well have a government prone to moral subjectivity instead of a government ruled by the letter of the law.

I don't want Jamby Madrigal to win. Little chance of that happening though. She comes from the upper crust of society. Nothing wrong about that as well, but I want a President who can empathize with the plight of the impoverished masses. How can she do that if she doesn't even know the price of galunggong or itlog na pula? Arguably it's not a big deal I suppose. But still, she should lower herself from her white-bread pedestal, instead of making poor people understand her...because she's rich. And she's always bitching against Manny Villar. Not that I'm a supporter of Manny Villar, because I'm not. I just believe one should exalt one's own achievements when running for public office, and not capitalize on the faults and weaknesses of other candidates.

Speaking of Manny Villar, I don't want him to win either, primarily because of the C5 Extension controversy. However which way you slice it, the C5 extension raised the value of his properties which it passed through. If he had a direct hand in causing the road to pass his properties, he's corrupt. If he claims to be not aware, he's incompetent. If he knew it would pass his properties and did not say a word or inhibit himself, he's unethical. Any of these traits surely make him unfit to be President. Villar also spent upwards of P3B for his campaign. If he sincerely wants to help the people, the P3B could have done wonders for the masses. And he need not run for public office. So apparently he's also ambitious, and a hypocrite. Two no-no's in my book.

Then there's Gilbert Teodoro. He's no doubt one of the smartest of the bunch. Topped the Bar in 1989. Got his Masters from Harvard Law School. His intelligence notwithstanding, I don't like him. Last year he bolted the Nationalist People's Coalition (NPC) which as Congressman he was a member of to cast his name as a contender for the Presidential nomination of Lakas-Kampi. He got the nomination, at the expense of Lakas-Kampi loyalist Bayani Fernando. Rumor is, he got the nomination because Lakas-Kampi was hoping his uncle, Eduardo "Danding" Cojuangco, Jr., Chairman Emeritus and founder of the NPC would bankroll his presidential run. Cojuangco went on to support the candidacy of his other nephew, Noynoy Aquino, instead. While definitely intelligent, he's overly ambitious, and lacks loyalty, abandoning his party of more than ten years to join the administration (which everyone kinda hates) just for a shot at the Presidency. Personally, I consider loyalty to be a very important trait. He doesn't seem to have much of it though.

Then we go to Joseph Estrada. I have two words. EDSA Dos. Filipinos really have a short memory. He already had his shot. Let someone else give it a try.

I have mixed feelings with the following candidates. Any one of them would probably make a good President, but they're not without their flaws.

Take Richard Gordon. He's intelligent, competent, and capable of instituting change, as seen with his achievements with Olongapo City, the Subic Bay Metropolitan Authority (SBMA), the Department of Tourism, and the Philippine National Red Cross. What I don't like about him is his tendency to be arrogant and be a wildcard, which was what he showed before when he defied then President Joseph Estrada's order to vacate the SBMA, and his recent handling of the NBN-ZTE Broadband investigation where he recommended the prosecution of the witnesses and more or less exonerated the Arroyos of any wrongdoing. Still, he has proven himself to be an action man, so I guess I really wouldn't mind if he wins. But he probably won't, and that's a shame.

Then there's Noynoy Aquino. Son of two national icons, Former Senator Benigno "Ninoy" Aquino Jr., and former President Corazon "Cory" Aquino. His sister, celebrity Kris Aquino is an icon as well. Unwillingly thrust into the limelight after Cory Aquino passed away last year. Became the Presidential candidate of the Liberal Party after party President Mar Roxas gave way. Not much in the way of experience or track record though. Not known for his intelligence and charismatic speeches either, though he has the Aquino name to back his candidacy. No stain on his reputation, well maybe except for the Hacienda Luisita controversy, which is considered by some as a highly contentious issue, though some downplay it. Stands for integrity, reform and anti-corruption. He may very well win because he does not merely represent himself or his party, but his parents' legacy as well. Currently on top of most surveys. Is he the best candidate for President? Not necessarily, he's not known for his brains or achievements, but he represents the silent majority's ideals and desire for change and for clean and good governance. If he wins, expectations will be high. Will he be able to deliver? God knows.

And J.C. de los Reyes? Nothing against the guy, his heart is probably in the right place. But winning? I don't think so.

I'll stress that the above comments are just my casual observations and opinions, and are not meant to sway anyone to vote for or against anyone else. What's important is that you exercise your right to vote tomorrow, and remember what's at stake when you cast your ballot.

We should also pray that tomorrow's elections be peaceful, and that the country be spared from senseless bloodshed.

It's been twice now that I've been asked that question...it's a simple question really: why?

I guess they must be right. There has to be a reason. Maybe just because isn't good enough.

So here I am, in the comfort of my own home, with no one rushing me, thinking...how to articulate my answer. How to find the right words. Because truth be told, yes, there probably is a reason. Maybe I just haven't made sense of it to myself then. I'm not particularly sure if I have gotten it down pat, but here's the best that I can do:

I was never really a happy person from the very start. My childhood was pretty uneventful, with only a few close friends, and not a lot of happy memories. Don't misinterpret me, I didn't say I had a sad or miserable childhood. It just wasn't very happy. It couldn't be helped I guess. I was (and still am) an introvert, so I kept to myself...a loner.

After graduating from college, due to some unforeseen circumstances, I found myself being thrust with the responsibilities of adulthood. I embraced these responsibilities wholeheartedly, albeit perhaps from an immature standpoint. I tried my best, but eventually the entire venture came tumbling down, and I emerged by my lonesome again, heartbroken, disillusioned by the reality that love wasn't enough. I tried again a few years later. By then I now bore the stigma of what I've been through, and I was prejudged because of this. Again, I bore witness to the reality that love wasn't enough.

And then I wandered around. Did some stupid stuff. Regretted it, and it took me a while to forgive myself for that. Wandered a bit some more...went here and there, traveled near and far, still ended up nowhere. After all the experiences I've been through, I'm still by myself, still carrying my old memories, my ideals bearing the tarnish of years of disillusionment and disappointment. I soldier on, almost accepting to myself that this is my fate, that this is as good as it gets. I lock away my pain and frustrations in some far corner of my mind, and continued to live my life and perform all my responsibilities and obligations as a walking, breathing, empty shell, numb to the pain of the outside world by cocooning myself in my own painless, lifeless...joyless void. And it was like this for years.

Then one day, I looked up an old friend...well, more of an acquaintance really, whom to be honest I kinda admired in the past, but never gave much thought to it after. I've gotten used to friends and acquaintances moving up in the world, going on with their lives, going places. I didn't expect this acquaintance to be any different, and I innocently posed a question regarding that. I was surprised to learn that apparently, things didn't work out. On a whim, I asked her out. I could use the company I thought, and maybe, so could she. Besides, it's not as if we're strangers.

One hot and sunny Saturday afternoon, she told me her story, and I told her mine. I can't really explain what went on my head that very moment, but let's just say I came to realize, that I wasn't the only person with a cross to bear. And this person shared a lot of traits with me...traits which I sometimes consider as burdens as I felt they held me back a lot: introversion, idealism, empathy, a fixation on values, loyalty, sensitivity. And while the circumstances were different, we were both familiar...perhaps too familiar...with the distress of being left behind.

Something sparked. For some reason, I couldn't bear to see her sad. Someone who means so well, someone who thinks more of others than herself, someone who's such a good listener, someone who's thoughtful and considerate, someone so staunchly loyal, perhaps even to a fault.

Maybe I saw a bit of the person that I am, though I shudder at the thought. She's an infinitely better person, with her seeming innocence and tendency to see the good in people, always seeing the world through rose-colored glasses, while I'm a cynic, seeing the worst in people, expecting them to eventually let me down, and hardly trusting or relying on any other soul, except for a few.

I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to see her smile. So I asked to see her again. And a few more times after that. Eventually my quest to make her happy gave me a kind of joy...a joy that I haven't felt in years, and I thought, maybe this is what I'm supposed to do.

Past this point, I'm still winging it, playing it by ear. There were some rough patches...blame it on my inexperience, and those times when my spider-sense fails, but at least for now, the skies seem clear.

You'll have to ask her for the ending of the story.

Have you ever had one of those days, the kind of the day you're already expecting to be bad...even though you just woke up?

I think this is going to be one of those days.

Just this morning, an officemate who bought my old clunker of a car, kept calling...several times...on my landline, and on both of my cellphones, while I was taking a dump and taking a shower...when a simple text message will do. Some people don't seem to realize that just because they have my numbers, it doesn't mean they can call me anytime of the day or night.

Besides, I'm really not much of a phone person. Most of my phone calls last only a minute or so, more often than not less. I rely on text messaging more, but even then I don't really use it to text anyone else except my son, or the occasional officemate. Well, at least until a couple months ago. Now I seem to use it a lot. Not that I'm complaining.

Going back...it hasn't really been a good week...but it can't be helped I suppose. It comes with the territory. And then there's today. Today of all days.

Today is my wedding anniversary. Of course I'm no longer married now...but if I still were...it would have been my 16th. It's not that I miss my ex-wife. She's moved on a long time ago and so have I. If there's something I miss, it's probably the feeling of security knowing there's always someone there...because whether I'd care to admit it or not...it's not easy facing all of life's challenges by yourself, and successes don't really seem to be that sweet if there's no one to share them with.

I don't really think of my solitude often...maybe a few times a year...on the usual dates...Christmas, Valentines, my birthday, the entire summer...and that includes my former wedding anniversary. Today.

A couple of friends are inviting me to join them later to attend Noynoy's miting de avance later at the Quezon City Circle. While it may be fun, I don't really like crowds. And with election fever at an all-time high, it may be safer to stay away, you never know what may happen.

Another group of friends are going for a round of drinks. While they're a good bunch, I don't feel like joining them, not right now at least. I don't think I'll make really good company now, especially with a beer in hand, and with all these thoughts in my head.

I don't know. What I really want is to be with...well. But we can't always get what we want, so maybe I'll see Iron Man II if I'm bored. If not, I can always download the latest episode of Naruto Shippuden (it's due out today) and finish the rest of my wine.

I was never really much of a drinker even in my youth. My peak was way back in college when I could finish off about only about eight beers max, spread over several hours. Fast forward to the present, and on a good day (night) I can only down around four or so, maybe a bottle an hour.

I usually just drink for the company, for the laughs, the jokes, the stories. On rare occasions though, I just drink for the sake of drinking. I never really did need a reason to drink for the sake of drinking...or maybe I had a reason that I didn't really care to admit to others or to myself. Like now for example. I'm having one of my pseudo-clairvoyant phases, and I'm seeing a vision of my future...not that far off though, only about a week ahead...and I'm not liking what I'm seeing. Seems as good a reason to get a drink as any.

Beer, or for that matter any hard liquor isn't really my thing. While I can appreciate a good cold beer, or a shot of top-shelf liquor as well as the next guy, I never really liked the taste of alcohol. I'm probably more comfortable sipping a glass of Diet Coke...maybe with a hint of lemon or cherry, instead of something alcoholic.

But there has always been this allure...and strange comfort to drinking alcoholic beverages...

Once, I bought a bottle of red wine home on the pretext that red wine contains flavonoids and is good for the heart. "Maganda raw yung ganyan sa puso." I said to my mom, proud over my new-found sense of health-consciousness. After finishing the bottle she asked me "O, nakakatulong ba yung alak?" to which I replied nonchalantly: "Oo...nakakalimutan ko yung mga problema ko." My mom shook her head with a smirk on her lips and left me alone with my empty bottle. I guess I neglected to mention to in order to get the full benefits of the flavonoids, I only have to drink one glass a day...not actually one bottle.

Does alcohol really make you forget your problems? Not really, but alcohol is a known depressant, it can slow down your thinking. For someone like me who thinks constantly...a blank mind can be bliss. That hardly happens at all, except when I'm under medication, which hasn't happened in years, or dead drunk, which hasn't happened in years either. Still, slowing down my thinking is a distinct pleasure in its own right, and actually a good thing to experience on occasion.

Like now.

I used to have a large pool of drinking buds over the years, unfortunately as times change, people change as well, so nowadays I end up drinking by my lonesome. Some of my former drinking buds have gravitated to drinking in girlie joints with naked nymphs gyrating to some techno-trance-like tunes, or some passe' 80s pop song or power ballad. I kinda grew tired of girlie joints, as they were never really my thing, so I stopped going. Other former drinking buds drank hard and fast in their prime, and by now have quit due to health concerns...or a missing gallbladder. Some have migrated abroad, probably for good, and some...I just lost contact with some.

Now, my idea of having a drink is finishing a bottle of red wine while watching an anime', a documentary, or a TV show on my PC. A far cry from several years ago, when almost every week I painted the town red with my buds.

Do I miss the fast life? Not really. I could never keep up. If I did keep up, I could have burned out by now with a myriad of maladies tucked under my belt. Thankfully, I know my limits, and I have never exceeded them...not by much anyways.

Maybe I'll have that drink later. I still have quite a number of bottles of red wine bought last Christmas that were never consumed. Not that I expect to find the solutions to my problems at the bottom of an empty wine glass mind you...but maybe the temporary nirvana of an unfettered mind can help give me a better perspective of this rut I keep finding myself in.

And its a good remedy for insomnia.

I've always thought that I had a relatively good eye when it came to reading people, to sizing them up, figuring out their intentions, gauging their reactions to stuff. On certain occasions though, I find myself flummoxed by some individuals whom I can't seem to read at all, no matter how hard I try. I either get no signals, or pick up mixed signals that I can't seem to interpret.

That's all well and good, since that happens to all of us at one time or another...that's why even as an intelligent specie we still get into fights...and nations get into wars.

From my end, it all seems bittersweet. Bittersweet because it involves someone I deeply care about, and at this juncture, it would seem that there is hardly any room for error. Any small mistake could cost me the race...and apparently I committed a big one. A really big one.

I honestly didn't think I'd get the reaction I did. If I did then I wouldn't have done the thing I did. But it happened, and the damage, to my chagrin, has been done...and it seems pretty devastating. I wish I can undo the damage, but alas, what's done is done, and if apologies can't make things better, than nothing probably will anymore.

I really feel bad about this. What transpired only brought my worst fears to bear, that despite my efforts...I'm really just one of the guys, or worse, someone less. People can't make up reactions like that...it's genuine...and therefore I'm sunk.

My chest feels tight, I find it hard to breathe, to relax. I've had an anxiety attack for what seems to be hours, and I'm trying to cope as best I could. It's just hard to accept the truth that...well...I am who I am, and the person I am is nowhere near the situation I'd like to be, in fact I'm probably farther off if I never embarked on this endeavor.

Despite everything, I'm still the pathetic, solitary soul I was at the start. Sometimes I ask myself why this is my lot in life, to exist in solitude for what seems to be the longest time, when I have a lot to contribute.

Maybe this is my destiny. Maybe I'm fated to be this way. For happiness to be always within sight...but never within reach.

If that were indeed the case, I wish reincarnation was true.

Next life please.

About a week ago I learned that a colleague's sister succumbed after a long battle with cancer. She doesn't read this blog, but nonetheless I'll extend my condolences to her here. I've been fortunate enough not to have lost a loved one before...I can only imagine her pain and sadness, which, no doubt, has to be great.

My prayers and condolences to her and her family.

Whenever someone, or a relative of someone I know dies...I can't help but think about my own mortality...or the mortality of those around me.

When I was much younger...say in high school...I was so obsessed with the subject that I amassed a number of books discussing the prospect of life after death from a scientific perspective. At the time, I suppose, my faith wasn't enough. I couldn't bear to believe that this material world is all there is to existence, that there is nothing after we expire, that our ancestors and loved ones who have predeceased us live only in our memories and are not waiting to be reunited we us when we finally get to cross over.

Several years after...while I'm no longer that obsessed with the subject...still, it crosses my mind from time to time...like now.

Nowadays, scientific explanations abound explaining so-called "near-death experiences". Everything from out-of-body experiences, to the tunnel of light, to literally seeing your life flash before your eyes, to seeing departed loved ones, or being greeted by a religious figure...has been attributed by science to a brain misfiring from lack of oxygen. The feelings of bliss and calmness attendant to the near-death experience has been attributed to the release of endorphins by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus. Near-death experiences have been thoroughly studied and documented that they can even be induced by deliberately causing hypoxia or by G-forces in a centrifuge.

The bottom line is...science has defined near-death experiences into nothing more than physiological reactions of the human body to the stress of dying. This doesn't really sit well with anyone hoping that there is more to life than this mortal coil.

In my later years, say in college, I turned to religion in my attempt to find the answers I was looking for. I've had lively discussions and there were even some attempts to recruit me by seminarians, Born-again Christians, some INCs, even had a brief stint with Opus Dei, way before it was popularized in popular literature by Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code. None of them really succeeded in giving me a different perspective from what I already knew.

By the time I was taking up my post-graduate studies, I was more into philosophy, particularly along the lines of realism, rationalism, pragmatism, existentialism, humanism, deism versus atheism. To be honest, while a casual study of such subjects can be quite enlightening, I still never found the answers I sought. Eventually, I reverted to my roots...that of being a Catholic.

I guess I've realized that maybe, just maybe, the answers to the questions I'm looking for don't really exist, or are not meant for comprehension by the finite mind. I went full circle, and opted to just have faith. Still, my faith must not be that great...as there are still times that I fear death. Not it's physical aspect mind you...just the concept that after we die, there may be nothing else.

These are all probably nothing but abstract concepts. I mean, we have our own problems with life itself, mundane things like our jobs, bills to pay, children to send to school, and the like, and most of us probably couldn't be bothered to think of what happens after.

I don't know how to end this entry...simply because I don't know the answer to my question. There are times, I admit, that I consider the possibility that maybe...there really is nothing out there...but I can't help but be depressed with that prospect. Surely our consciousness must transcend our physical existence somehow, if only because to think otherwise would reinforce the nihilistic idea that at the end of the day, we are all insignificant, that we are all just made of stardust.

I can't just accept that.

Whatever. I have to get back to work. Maybe I'll blog about this again.

It would seem that I have been posting entries on my blog more than usual. This typically happens when I have a lot of things on my mind. I'm really not one who likes talking about my thoughts with other people, so blogging is my way of venting, of getting things off my chest.

This actually puts me in a disadvantage so to speak, as this blog invariably ends up as a window to my thoughts, thoughts that I hardly share with anyone else. No one I know actually reads this stuff though, except for maybe a handful, and that includes one particularly curious individual, whom I...well...you know. Not that I mind though, for a moment it just felt...weird, being this transparent and all, but I'm past that now.

Besides I've been posting my thoughts on this blog for almost six years now, and I'm not about to stop.

It's hard competing with a ghost. I've never been in this situation before, and I never realized how difficult competing with a ghost can be. There's nothing much I can do about it, except go about the way I usually go about...to just be there...give my assurances...and hope for the best. There are times though, that I think it isn't enough. Question is, what else can I do?

In a way I understand. It was never easy for me either to get past over some previous episodes in my life. I was able to cope by simply convincing myself that everything that happened happened for a reason, that I am better off, that I don't deserve someone that weak in spirit and resolve, and that it's sometimes better to quit while you're ahead, before more mistakes are committed in the future. To be honest it didn't work all the time though...the heart wants what the heart wants, the consequences be damned. The heart is not totally unreasonable though...if the mind softly urges it to let go, it does eventually, but like everything else, it takes time.

In the meantime though, I still have to compete with ghosts...some abstract amalgamation of past memories and unrealized future expectations buried deep inside one's head. Not that I'm deterred or discouraged of course...as if I would give up just like that...but still...it's a bit hard being compared to an ideal...an ideal that for all intents and purposes hardly exists anymore...at least, as far as I know. That's because I'd fall short. Every time. No one wins against an ideal. That's why they're called ideals.

One thing I realized in my years is that letting go of something...or someone...actually starts the moment you decide to really let go. There are some of us...me included...who are quick to say that we have decided to move on when in truth and in fact we are still holding on, either due to some misplaced sense of loyalty or the faint hope that things will reverse themselves, or that this is all a dream...a nightmare actually...and we still haven't woken up. We fantasize about the other party coming back to us, begging us for forgiveness, promising never to leave our side again, sins, flaws and defects be damned. Ugh. These feelings aren't actually good for us...but we all succumb to then one time or another. Eventually these, like everything else good or bad, fades away, and we indeed move on. But despite this, we never really get to forget. We get on with our lives, but we're never really the same persons we were before. It's a bummer I know, but that's just how things are.

Competing with ghosts can mean getting taken for granted in a way sometimes...simply because you're there...and the ideal isn't. Human nature seems to have this way of concerning itself over things that don't exist over things that do. God knows I do that sometimes...actually I do that a lot, always looking at the glass half-empty and never half-full.

I never did like the feeling of being taken for granted though. It makes me feel unwanted and unimportant. But then again, it's not as if I'm in a position to claim that I was ever wanted or important, so I guess this comes with the territory. To put it another way, I haven't been demoted, nor should I even complain about being demoted, if for no other reason than the fact I've never actually been promoted in the first place.

I hope things will normalize soon. Then again, I really have no idea what "normal" means, so let's just see what happens. This is hard. But I'm in this for the long run, so I'll just keep rolling with the punches, and hope that good things come to those who wait.

I don't really like being out of the loop. It's not that I need to know everything, because I don't. Sometimes, you just can't help but worry, especially if the person concerned is someone you care about.

Aside from worrying about whatever situation it is that's troubling that person, sometimes you can't help but think of all sorts of reasons why you're being shut out. Of course, that may not necessarily be the case, but still...the fact is you're in the dark, you don't know what the problem is, and no one is telling you.

I'm not making a big deal out of this. I don't want to do that anymore. Making a mountain out of a molehill involves a lot of aggravation and frustration, not just on my part, but on the other person as well, and I would like to save myself as well as that other person from that bother if I could.

It's still hard though. Not knowing.

If you're paranoid like me, sometimes you can't help but think of worst case scenarios. People tell me I'm too negative, or too pessimistic, but for some morbid or masochistic reason I prefer to prepare for the worst. I don't like terrible things happening, but what's worse than terrible things happening, is being caught flat-footed by those terrible things.

And the worst case scenario for me is...well...I don't really want to discuss it here. Suffice it to say that I've considered the possibility, and I dread the day that it happens. Will it happen? I don't know. The possibility is not zero though. In fact it could a lot higher than zero. It may even be a certainty that I just don't want to admit to myself. Whatever, what will be will be. I'm going overboard though, jumping to worst case scenarios like that. It could be something benign. I just don't know...and that's the annoying bit. Just not knowing.

I'm really not used to worrying about another person. It's been so long since I last experienced this. But I guess that's inevitable if you're really concerned over that other person.

Well, all I can do is just hope for the best. For now, it's not as if I can do anything else...

Several years ago, when I was having some problems with this girl I knew, a law school bud said something which has remained in my head up to this very day. It was nothing profound or melodramatic or anything like that. Matter-of-factly he just said: "Pag nakakaintindi ka na ng babae, babae ka na din." Loosely translated into English, it means "When you start understanding women, you've turned into one yourself."

It was a simple statement, yet so true...well, at least in my case. I can never, ever, seem to figure out women, especially within the context of romantic relationships, or in the attempt to establish one. I can never really decipher when you're supposed to take what they say literally or when to take what they're saying with a grain of salt. I often get confused whether they actually mean what they say, or if they're just saying. Worse is when it comes to interpreting the things that they do.

Men for the most part are linear thinkers. When we do X something, it's because we want to achieve Y result. That's all there is to it. As far as women are concerned, it can drive you nuts figuring out why they do something, and most of the time what they want and what they're doing hardly bear any relation to each other. In other words, non sequitur. Or at least, that's how it looks like.

I would like to say that I don't give a rat's ass why women think the way they do, but alas, if you want to get close to one, you have to at least try and decipher the code that all women understand but men can hardly figure out. Unfortunately, my attempts seem to have been less than successful somewhat, and most of time I find myself backtracking from my initial course of action whenever I realize I made a mistake.

This is one of my favorite (or should I say, least favorite) paradoxes when it comes to courtship: it's how much attention you should give them. If you pay them too much attention, it turns them off and drives them away. If you pay them too little attention, they either think you're no longer interested in them, and distance themselves, or they get upset, and reciprocate your seeming lack of interest with lack of interest on their part as well. Either way, you don't really get anywhere. So the question remains, how much attention should you give them? Unless you know the exact amount of attention you should give them, it's damned if you do, damned if you don't. I'd like to say that I have already come up with a formula for this conundrum, but it would seem that figuring out the Grand Unified Theory would probably be a lot easier than understanding women.

Another interesting contradiction in terms is the fact that if a woman asks you to do something, it does not necessarily mean that it's the right thing to do, especially when you're concerned. For example, if the woman insists you drop her off some place or some ways from her house instead of taking her to her doorstep, for some reason the parents either think you're rude or have less-than-honorable intentions because you won't show your face to them. If the woman tells you she isn't hungry and would rather just have dinner at her home and you oblige, her parents either think you're a cheapskate who thinks their daughter is not worth spending money on, or that you're an indigent who can't even afford to buy their daughter dinner. If by some coincidence you and the object of your ardor work in the same place or at least have workplaces in close proximity of each other, if you don't fetch her or take her home you're labeled by the parents as an insensitive schmuck who doesn't give a crap if they're daughter is having a hard time getting a ride to or from work. Again, it's damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

I'd like to say that I was making the stuff up in the preceding paragraph, but I'm not. In fact it has probably happened to me a number of times now.

Well, to be honest, I've never entertained any illusions that I'd be able to break the code. But I really would like to get it right at least some of the time. It would really make what I'm doing right now a lot easier. But I guess even if I didn't understand women, that probably wouldn't stop me from from trying. Since it's damned if you do, and damned if you don't, I really don't have anything to lose don't I?

Yet, I could still have everything to gain.

In the long run, I guess it doesn't really matter if I understand women or not. What's important is whether or not my heart is in the right place.