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- "My word is my bond."

What would you do if you had knowledge of a certain thing that's bound to adversely affect someone you know, but you gave your word that you wouldn't say anything? What if that someone was a friend? A close friend? A former close friend with whom you had a falling out? How about someone you don't even know? Does it really matter how close you are to the person?

Without realizing it, I suddenly find myself in this situation. Yes, I gave my word, and hell would freeze over before I would even consider breaking it...but still, if you're in a postion to help someone from imminent disaster, would you break your word for that?

My word means everything to me. My word is my bond. I do not take promises lightly. As a result, before I give my word or promise anything I think it through several times just to make sure that I myself understand the consequences of my actions. It has never happened yet that I broke my word...and I'm not looking forward to it happening soon. It does, however, makes me pause and think: what would it actually take for me to break my word? Would I break my word if it would involve saving someone from an undesirable fate?

I don't know. I haven't been in that situation before, but I think I am now.

I don't think I'll be able to betray anyone's trust just like that. I think I'll try to ask permission first from the one who shared the information with me before I do anything. If I don't get permission, then I probably won't just say a word. It's really hard sometimes to weigh one's personal convictions with events in the real world, but that's just how it is sometimes.

Let's just see what happens first. For all I know, it may already be too late. If there's something that I can do to help, I'll try to my best to do it, without necessarily betraying anyone's confidence. I just hope things turn out for the best...for everyone concerned, whether I play a role or not.

Moral dilemmas were never my cup of (red) tea.

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

- Pablo Neruda

For Lynae.

I sat and think of you
releasing my mind and letting it go,
to the farthest ends of thought,
to where my mind can reach you
to where my heart can love you
to where my arms can hold you,
endlessly...
to the farthest reach of dreams
I'll hold you,
to the deepest depths of my heart
I will love you,
till reality finds me
I'll be thinking of you.

- Lynae

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then He is not omnipotent.
Is He able, but not willing?
Then He is malevolent.
Is He both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is He neither able nor willing?
Then why call Him God?

- Epicurus

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam is having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Boy, what is your problem?" Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms. Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office. While Boy waited outside the office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he has to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal look at Ms. Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade." Ms. Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.

Ms. Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Boy, after a moment "Legs."

Ms. Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy: "Pockets."

Ms. Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut

Ms. Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum

Ms. Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy: Shake hands

Ms. Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Boy: Yep.

Ms. Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent

Ms. Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy: Wedding Ring

Ms. Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy: Nose

Ms. Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow

Ms. Neelam: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy: Firetruck

Ms. Neelam: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use your hand.

Boy: Fork

Ms. Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's own longer than some men or the others,
the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Boy: SURNAME

Ms. Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?

Boy: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to the University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

I hate summer.

I hate it so much. I hate the heat, those humid windless days, the bright sun, all the free time with nothing to do but have myself as company.

And to be perfectly honest, I really don't enjoy being with myself.

I hate the memories of summer.

I never really enjoyed summer even as a kid. We never really did go out on summer holidays even when I was little. I never really got to know my neighbors' kids so I just stayed at home and watched TV (all five channels of it at the time), read my Choose Your Own Adventure books or just played with my Legos. Yes, there were some outings...but these were pretty rare and far in-between.

My parents loved me, like all parents loved their children, though as a kid they never really doted on me during my idle times, and I don't remember talking with them or doing anything much with them. My dad used to play scrabble with me when I was much younger, say seven or eight, though it didn't carry on when I got a bit older. So summers were invariably a time of solitude. Just me, myself, TV, and my books and toys.

I was too little to get out of the house on my own when I was in elementary school. Even if I did, at the time there were hardly any fast food joints or malls, so summers where mostly times where I did the usual...watched TV, read books, played with my toys, or just thought.

When I was in high school I never really formed any tight bonds with my classmates, so I never had a reason to go out during the summer.

My first girlfriend broke up with me on a summer. She did that by mail since she was already back home in a province to the north. This was a time before cellphones, before SMS, before email, before chat, and, needless to say, it sucked. Though it didn't start out at such, it eventually became a long-distance relationship. I'm not having one of those again.

Later on I got married, but it didn't work out. It ended on a hot, balmy summer day. A year after a petition for annulment was filed. It was another summer. Trips to the psychiatrist and a bunch of hearings, most of them during the summer.

For three different summers I spend most of my time alone just reading and studying, preparing for the Bar exams. It was on three other summers that the results were released, and no, I didn't make it.

When I already had a kid, summer for me was no different. My son would almost always go on long trips with his mother during summer, and again, I often find myself alone at home. At the time, if I wasn't studying or preparing for the Bar exams, there was already cable and video games so it really wasn't as boring as it used to be when I was a kid, but still...most of the time it was just me, and myself.

Now it's another summer. And it's just as bad...maybe even worse than my usual summers. A good summer for me is a summer where nothing bad happens. During the last month, two negative things have already happened. Summer strikes again.

I guess it's not summer's fault, but I really hate the memories I have of summer. Mostly they're memories of solitude, nothingness, pain, disappointment, frustration...and the trend doesn't seem to have changed, even to the present.

I wish summer would end.

Several years ago, when I just graduated from college, I thought I had a pretty good picture of where I would be in the future. It was nothing fancy, just basic expectations. I saw myself practicing the profession I aspired to at the time, married to a loving and caring wife, a few kids, financially comfortable but not necessarily wealthy. This was the paradise that I sought to be in then.

Several years down the line, it can be surprising and disappointing to realize that even such basic expectations would prove quite difficult to achieve.

It's not to say that my current lot in life is dismal. It's pretty okay, though some pieces seem to be missing here and there. Since my failed marriage about eleven years ago and its subsequent annulment, I have remained single. I have a teenage son who shuttles back and forth between his mother and me. While I have not succeeded in entering the profession I so wanted to be a part of in the past, I'm gainfully employed. I may not enjoy my job, but it is relatively financially rewarding, and as a result I have saved a little something for a rainy day, paid off most of my debts, and amassed some personal belongings through the years, though nothing of the expensive sort. I have a lot of friends, but very few close ones, and the number of close ones are even diminishing because I have this habit of falling out of friendships, preferring to be by my lonesome.

But it's weird. I'm not a saint, far from it actually, as I have done my share of indiscretions through the years. Nonetheless, I have lived my life always concerned about being honest, a job well done, doing the right thing, being loyal, keeping my word and being fearful of God's retribution should I stray from the path (or karma, if you will).

To be completely honest about it...it doesn't seem to have helped any. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating dishonesty, mucking about your work, doing the wrong things, disloyalty or breaking your word. In my case at least, it would seem that I haven't gotten much mileage from my own personal philosophies.

Take the past month for example. About a month ago I learned that I failed again in the bar exams. It's not that I slacked off. In fact, I felt that I was very prepared. I have read and understood virtually everything there is to read on the subject, and then some. In a strange twist of fate, despite my preparations, I found myself grasping at straws for answers during the exams itself, which were even more difficult than projected by most. This led to an overall examination with one of the lowest passing rates in recent years. Needless to say, I was among the casualties. I guess I'm just not as intelligent as I would like to think I am.

A month after that, the girl I was wooing for about six weeks or so finally decided let me go. This was the first time in almost ten years that I actually felt this strong about someone else, so I gave it a go. I tried to do everything I was supposed to do, I was honest and frank, I was communicative, I tried to be helpful, caring and considerate. In the end she decided she was probably better off without me. Not that I'm claiming to be God's gift to women, mind you. I only have average looks, I'm slightly (!) overweight, I'm not wealthy, and I have my own share of character flaws. I do know though, that I'm sincere about the way I feel and I take responsibility for the things I do. Unfortunately, this didn't seem to be enough, well, at least for her. She said she wasn't ready, but that really doesn't help my case any. I guess I may have been more of a burden that I thought I was, since I realize I do have that tendency, but what's done is done. I'd like to say that I'm over it now, but I probably won't be, at least for the foreseeable future. What can I say? I was never really good with women.

Two failures in a span of a month. Sometimes I ask myself just how much of this I can take, when all I want to do is to do the right thing.

Several years have now passed from the time I first thought of what I would be in the future. The future has arrived...and sadly, I don't seem to be anywhere near that vision of personal paradise.

I don't want to give up on life, and indeed there are a lot of things that make life worth living. I'm just disappointed that my best efforts have more often than not proven insufficient to get me out of this rut that I have been in for the longest time. Everyone is going somewhere, everyone is getting somewhere, but me? I'm still here, a relic of perhaps some misplaced idealism that really hasn't gotten me anywhere.

I won't stop trying to find my place under the sun, I've promised that to myself a long time ago, and I'll keep that promise until the day I die. I guess it just can't be helped if the search is very tiring...at times painful...or if it leads to dead ends.

Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.

- Andre Gide

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an engineer,
The second man was an accountant,
The third man was a chemist, and
The fourth man was a government employee.

To show off, the engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the government employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The government employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet...

ate the cookies...

drank the milk...

crapped on the paper...

screwed the other three cats...

claimed he injured his back while doing so...

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions...

put in for Workers Compensation...

and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave...

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!

...set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.

- Richard Bach

Of all the quotes about love that I have heard or read about, this particular quote is the one that I can relate to the most, striking a chord within my very being with its seeming poignancy and profound sense of irony.

set them free...

As if love was some form of cage...a prison from where one seeks deliverance from, like a curse of some sort, instead of the positive emotion of affection and devotion that it is supposed to be. And yet, it fits. Perfectly.

To be free from the bonds of love not shared or reciprocated...is a release sought by both giver and receiver of the emotion...probably more if you're the receiver.

To an individual who has not been tempered by years of experience, this quote is nothing if not counter-intuitive, contrary to the very passions of youth exalted in movies and books, encouraging one to fight for the one he or she loves. Such an ideal is admirable to be sure, but for the rest of us above, say the age of...30, life has shown that love is not often something one can literally fight for. Just the contrary, it may very well one the things that may need to be abandoned in the pursuit of other endeavors which one may consider more important...career, wealth, ambition, etc.

Personally I don't really believe that...and yet, in my relatively short period of existence, I have lived by this quote more often that I would care to. Whether one sets another free because of some ideal, or for something more pragmatic is a matter of opinion, depending on the person and his or her understanding of the circumstances...but no matter how complicated we try to interpret this saying...in the end its very simplicity is the one which enthralls us to its meaningful concept of love and sacrifice.

Most of us...though we may dare not admit it...are sentimental romantics.

And perhaps, we are drawn to the notion that giving up the one we love imbues us with a sense of satisfaction...that we are in control, that we are setting the terms, that we are willing to sacrifice our personal desires for the one we love most.

And that is indeed the case...if we are really sincere in our feelings for the other person.

It is not at all a pleasant prospect...the concept of releasing someone we adore if only to prove our love for them, and yet, it seems to happen all the time.

It is not at all easy to do, and is something one only considers when there are no other options. While it can be very satisfying, it leaves one with a very deep emotional burden, the knowledge that he or she was the one who actually let go. And sometimes, the burden can be heavier...much heavier than expected.

At the end of the day, despite all the rationalizations, despite the justifications, sometimes setting someone you love free is inevitable, and the prospect of losing someone we truly love, despite the pain associated with it, is just something that has to be done.

Of course there is light at the end of the tunnel. They may come back. Then again, they may not. As the saying goes though, if they don't, they never were. [yours to begin with]. And there is probably no point in feeling morose over losing someone who was never yours from the start.

That's all irrelevant though, if one is truly sincere with his or her feelings. What's important is that one is true to himself or herself...and to never miss the opportunity of sharing how one really feels to the person he or she adores.

Sometimes...that's all one can hope to do.

God has an appointed time to fulfill the visions, dreams, and desires in your heart. Just because it has taken a long time or because you've tried and failed doesn't mean it's not going to happen. Don't give up on those dreams! Don't be complacent about pursuing what God has placed in your heart. Our God is a faithful God. No matter how long it's been, no matter how impossible things look, if you'll stay in faith, your set time is coming.

Remember, every dream that's in your heart, every promise that has taken root, God put it there. Not only that, but He has every intention of bringing it to pass. Hold on to that vision today. Declare by faith, "My time is coming. God is working behind the scenes on my behalf. I will fulfill my destiny!" As you continue to hold on to that vision and speak life over your dreams, it won't be long before you see them begin to take shape. You'll see your faith grow, you'll see your hope strengthen, and you'll see yourself step into the destiny God has prepared for you!

Dont u just h8 txtspk? Txtspk 1st came abt as a mins 2 abbrevi8 words wyl txting so as 2 make txting fastr and mor eficient. Un42n8ly, ppl now use txtspk vir2aly evrywer, from 4ums, 2 FB posts, 2 twiter, chatrums, and even evryday comunicatns. Frankly, i find it very anoying. Nowadays, 1 can get away w/out lerning 2 spel bec hardly any1 boders 2 spel korekly anymor. I tink its a bad influens on kids 2day, sins dey trit txtspk as a norml mode of comunicatn, at d expens of korek speling and gramar.

Jus dis morning wyl drivng i was lstning 2 dis radio jok complain abt a lot of der listnrs using txtspk 4 der gritings and msgs, and she cud hardly undrstnd d msgs she was rcving.

Der r tyms wer it is aceptbl to cut cornrs. Howvr, propr comunicatn shud not b among dem. Kids hu gru up w/ txtspk may rgue dat as long as u r undrstud its ok, and deyd b rite. D ting is, not evry1 can undrstnd txtspk. Im not dat old, and was among d 1st 2 use txting as a mins of comunic8tn wen it 1st came out in d 90s, but i stil hav sum dificlty undrstndng sum msgs, specialy w/ sum hrdcore txtrs hu even rely on aLtErNaTiNg SmAl aNd CaPiTl LtRs JuZ 2 mAkE dEr MeSaGeS cUtR. dIs iS gIvInG mE a HeDaKe. NoRmAl TxTsPk WiL hAv 2 Do Fr HeRoN.

I hav nuthin agenst txtspk, I use it myself as wel 2 spd up txting. Howevr, txtspk shud just be usd for txting. Use it 4 anyting els and it bcums mor trobl dan its wort. And der I say, its downrt rude espcialy if ur not sur if d oder persn undrstnds u or not. It makes u apir inconsidr8.

Dats enuf of dis. I nid 2 take an asprin.

I just came to a realization. Well, not really a realization, since I've known it from the start. One of the main reasons why I blog is because for the most part, I really don't have anyone to talk to. Actually, I guess there a few friends here and there that I can talk to, but I'd rather not. I often prefer to keep my thoughts to myself, and blogging is a good outlet for me. I'm not really comfortable baring my thoughts and feelings to even my closest friends, I just don't want to show my vulnerabilities to anyone.

Like now.

I'm feeling a bit vulnerable now, and I don't think I'd want anyone I know to know that. So what is it that has been bugging me? Let's see...so how do I put it...

Despite the cool exterior that I project to most everyone I know, in truth and in fact, on the inside I'm actually a wreck. I'm a very emotional person, much too emotional for my own good, and try as I might, I can't control the way that I feel about things, about situations...about other people.

There are times...very rare times, that I go out on a limb to express my true feelings, and it is at these times that I feel most vulnerable...like a soldier walking the streets of Iraq without even a helmet. And what makes it worse is the fact that what I feel is not shared by other people.

I try my best to read the signs, to come up with an objective assessment of the situation at hand, but sometimes, despite seeing signs which clearly oppose the direction I want to go to, I still proceed, maybe sometimes with the faint hope that I may make it to my destination somehow. Most of the time though, I don't, and this may very well be one of those situations.

I admit it. Emotionally, I'm weak. I tend to depend on other things or other people for emotional support. That's why I often detach myself from other people, other situations. I absolutely abhor being put in a position that I have to be emotionally dependent on something or someone else, because if I don't get that support, despite my best efforts, deep inside, I crumble like a cookie. For years, the only way I've dealt with this weakness of mine is by avoiding being dependent on other people, by keeping to myself. Sometimes I do take risks. Sometimes the risk pays off. Mostly though...like now I suppose...the risk doesn't.

I just don't deal well with failure. Strangely enough, failure has hounded me for most of my life. I have failed in a lot of things, and the list keeps on growing. What's ironic is that deep down, beneath the cynical exterior, I'm an idealist. I believe that what you sow is what you reap, I believe in karma, good or bad, I believe in the power of the truth. Sadly, the real world is much, much more complicated than that. And though I have known that from the very start, I persist in my optimistic views...only to tumble down, like being shot by a sniper, I never see it coming.

Now here I am again. Faced with all the facts that I have gathered, the objective response is to withdraw. I continue to fight, and I am obviously losing. Maybe I should cut my losses and pull back. Maybe I have already lost, but I'm too stubborn to admit it. Maybe I'm not even losing, but like a bullet wound it still hurts like hell. To be honest, I can't even seem to tell the difference anymore.

I'll probably be laying low now. For the life of me, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Sometimes, I get this feeling that I know what I'm doing, then suddenly I don't. I really, really don't.

I'll be alright I guess. I always end up okay. Battered, bruised and scarred, but otherwise unscathed. Who am I kidding?

Alfred Lord Tennyson in his poem In Memoriam A.H.H. said: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Tennyson was a moron. Maybe I don't really mean that, but for now, I do. I like this quote from Otomo No Yakamochi better: Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there.

And with that, and a heavy heart, I soldier on. Helmet or no helmet.

It's that time of the week again. Every Saturday morning, I find myself performing the mundane task of separating my coloreds from my whites, plugging in the washing machine, and listening to the soft hum of its motor as it goes about its task of ridding my clothes of the past week's filth.

*sigh*

If there was only a washing machine for the soul, I would have bought one in a heartbeat.

For some strange reason, most of the people who know me don't really think of me as the type who "does laundry". Maybe they think of me as some prince with a staff of servants at my beck and call, to whom I can direct the rather unglamorous task of washing my clothes. It's weird I guess, since I'm not sure where they got the idea. It's not that I'm filthy rich, far from it really, though they hit the filthy part spot on.

I have to admit I'm really not the type of person one would associate with performing household chores, and yet, I do some, if only because of paranoia or some deep-seated fear of being idle, which often results in my consciousness coming up will all sorts of weird thoughts and ideas.

For better or for worse, I'm what I can describe as a thinker, though it's a stretch for myself to be considered an intellectual. I hardly stop thinking, which tends to be a pain in the butt, as it makes just lazing about and bumming around a headache as being idle turns into a mental exercise of needless discernment regarding things which for the most part, are irrelevant.

Strangely enough I guess, the only times when my mind turns a blank are those times when I find myself doing mundane housework...such as washing the car, doing laundry, scrubbing my toilet, and so on and so forth. Who would have guessed that such domestic tasks disdained by many would be considered a refuge by some from pointless cognition. Suffice it to say, a blank mind is a simple pleasure that I often yearn for, which I don't often get.

Am I mentally ill? Who am I to say...perhaps I am. In fact it was less than a decade ago that I was actually prescribed a downer/anxiolytic/depressant to slow down my hyperactive brain. Rivotril I believe it was, otherwise known by the generic term Clonazepam. It was only recently that I was made aware that it's also an anticonvulsant according to a "friend".

Wait a minute, I have to switch to the rinse cycle.

Okay, I'm back.

I took the drug for a couple of months or so. At the time I was so amazed that a very small pill could actually do that to my brain. For all intents and purposes, it turned my brain "off" so to speak. A blank slate devoid of any conflict, anxieties, worries or concerns. It was bliss. Or well it was, until I was told to quit it.

Since then I've never had anxiety attacks as bad as before, though I still tend to think a lot, something that I probably can't change since that is who I am.

Going back to laundry, while some people tend to find inner peace by listening to sound of the waves crashing over the rocks on a deserted seashore, the sound of the wind blowing past with the cry of gulls as they fly overhead, I find my inner peace in more everyday places...a washing machine for one...the soft whir of its motor as it agitates the water back and forth for me is like a heartbeat...and the splashes remind me of some mysterious, dark, turbulent sea...

In the few minutes constituting a single cycle, I forget my past failures...my unsuccessful attempts at career advancement...the girl who sometimes won't even give me the time of day...the debts that I have to pay...and for the brief amount of time...it's Nirvana.

And doing laundry is a hell of a lot cheaper (and more legal) then taking prohibited drugs.

That's it for today. I have to switch cycles again.

So just how does one go about reinventing one's self? I've been too preoccupied pursuing a solitary goal or fearing forging ahead with the burden of past memories that I haven't really given much thought to doing anything else, or starting something new. Not that it has been easy pursuing a dream or starting fresh, but with recent events, I see now that I have no choice.

Either move on and go forward, or be trapped in things that have come to pass, and can never be changed.

With regard to one particular aspect, I have been forging ahead in a direction I have last taken almost a decade ago. To be honest I no longer am familiar with the rules of the game, nor am I familiar on how to go about it. The only thing I do know is to rely on the truth. Unfortunately relying on the truth is not always easy, nor is it guaranteed that success will soon follow, but at least it's a start. I have been wandering aimlessly for several years now, trying to get a grip on who and what I am, only to fall flat on the answers I have long sought after. Perhaps the answer is not within my head...but somewhere out there, and it is with this premise that I am attempting to forge a new path.

If you're one of the, I don't know, one or two people who read my blog...well to be honest, probably no one does anyway...I wish I can give specifics. But on occasion some wayward person I know does end up reading my entries, only to jump to the wrong conclusions.

Suffice it to say that what I've chosen to do is not without its risks, but sometimes you have to take chances to get to where you want to go. I've jumped from the precipice I have long stood alone on, and where I land, only time will tell. For once, maybe the truth and good intentions will take me to a better place. I can only hope for the best and hope that I get through to...well.

As for my other dream, I don't know just yet what to do now. It would be a relief to just pack it all up and move on to something else, and that in fact is what I want to do. At the back of my mind though, there is still this voice telling me to keep trying. Annoying little voice really. It has been hounding me for about sixteen years now.

Which leads me back to the question I started this entry with. So just how do I go about reinventing myself, while remaining true to the person that I am? I wish I knew. Maybe sooner or later it will come to me. Maybe miracles still do happen. I may find myself on the path I want to be in with hardly any effort, but that's not bound to happen anytime soon. While I still believe in miracles, I find it hard to believe that someone up there deems me worthy enough of receiving one of my own. I shouldn't be too bitter though. In fact I'm not. I've been blessed with other things during my life, a lot of things which other people haven't been blessed with, and for that I am grateful.

I have often gone to bed hoping that divine inspiration would enter my head as I sleep, and that I would wake up with everything as clear as a newly washed window pane, but that has not happened...not yet at least. I have prayed hard for clarity for so long now, not just for myself but for other people as well...hoping that the decisions I make will not come to haunt me in the future, as many of my past decisions have. I am still hopeful that things will turn out for the better though. Maybe I'm just to preoccupied with the details to see the big picture. Maybe I'm just too cynical for my own good.

It's Easter Sunday today. A time of rebirth, of starting anew. I'm not getting any younger, so I have to pick up where I left off, before I got sidetracked by those episodes of my life that I prefer not to think about.

Maybe lady luck will smile upon me this time. Maybe the miracles I have been waiting for are just around the corner. Maybe the risks I have been taking will finally pay off. There's no way to know other than continue on with this journey I started 37 years ago one September afternoon.

There's always hope. And there is always Someone pointing towards the right path. Maybe I should open my eyes, and not just rely on those voices within my head. Sometimes the things that you desire most are just there in front of you, but you're just too full of yourself to believe that good things can ever be that easy to find. I know I am..or was. Maybe believing in the miracles that are already around me...that may just be the key...to reinventing myself.

Happy Easter everyone.

Dear Lord, I thank you for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.

Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.

Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. Let me continue to see sin through God's eyes and acknowledge it as evil. And when I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth my wrongdoing, and receive the forgiveness of God.

And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example -- to slip away and find a quiet place to pray. It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will.

Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak. Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those who are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those who will delete this without sharing it with others. I pray for those who don't believe. But I thank you that I believe.

I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them willingly...

This is my prayer.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.